a dollar for every smile

Today I will share a story about my struggle in the past.
When I was 15, one private tuition teacher I hold dear most once told me that a relationship is not worth the fight, if it sacrifices the trust of whose I needed to be able to survive life. I think just like how in economics is explained, the opportunity costs of an action is large...firms or in this case I, need to prioritize. She taught me that the feeling of affection, desire that we feel strongly at one moment, could end in the short run..therefore the permanent lose of trust is not worth the temporary passion. She even brought with her some real-life examples to prove her point. And in the end, despite her influence and persuasion, I neglected her advice. Rebellion was my probably middle name (who knows if it still is) or at that time it was just me trying to take risks in my life.. high, uncountable ones.

"The reason so many people find it so hard to be happy, is that they will always see:

The past better than it was;

The present worse than it is;

and the future less resolved than it will be. " 

-anonymous.

As I am sitting and typing this post in my dining table now, looking back to that day, if I am to say I didn't wish things were different, I lie. However, the only moment I am capable of controlling, is not ones back in the days but here in the present. If I were to live in deep regrets, some time in my life would have been wasted...unrepeatable moments, chances of something better would have been missed.. don't you agree? Therefore this logic is what have been keeping me going, surviving to this day.

Do you know the scary thing of having passed through an event in life that has played me emotionally...? Is that I no longer play in the game with as high bet as I did once before. Taking into accounts the potential damages that could reiterate, let alone the loss that could not be repaid.

Today, I stand back from the battlefield. I give ground.

Ever since the day it all ended, I swore I would be more open. To other chances, other opportunities that were knocking on my door but I missed out...and to seek the ones that are worth the pursue.

I personally say I have now travelled far...meeting wonderful people along the way, encountered remarkable stories of my kind. My mind and eyes are more opened..each day I become the wisest I could ever be.

So one question, if I could tell my previous self what to do, what would it be?

Lucky is I have gone through that essential phase in life. My advice won't be to my old self, but to my now self, is that to do what I have been doing: to be in the battlefield only if I think the sacrifices will be worth it, to pursue only if the circumstances. And how would I know that? When the moment comes, I believe I just know. At least I hope so.

New Zealand 2012

signing off,
thelittleteh x

History of eating alone

It's a cold winter morning, but the sun hasn't shined any brighter than today. As usual, she's woken up midday..blaming the insomnia she had the night before. First thing in mind is 'what to eat?' cos apparently her stomach's been up all night playing the rock concert. In a second she notices no one's home, and no one is right to be invited for lunch. So she makes up her mind to dine in a nearby cafe, by herself.

It's lunchtime by the time she enters the cafe, and there's barely any table unoccupied. A lady by the door who dresses like a French maid widens her grin and kindly addresses her to one of the two-seats table. A menu is prepared on the table and the girl still has her insecure look on her eyes. After another lady who dresses similarly to the first one asks her what she'd like to have, she finally gives her an answer: a cup of white hot chocolate, and a plate of fried baby calamari. 

No one can tell but it's her first time dining alone. She had usually rather ordered takeaway, but this time she'd rather not. She begins observing people who come with their family, partner, or friends. Well, seems like dining alone isn't so popular these days. What goes through her mind is how sad she must have looked like right now. Maybe looking like a girl who is heartbroken. Or sitting and waiting for someone who never comes. You know what, the truth is, I don't think a single person in the room cares about her dining alone. Nor would they think she looks as sad as she thinks she looks like. The truth is, she doesn't look sad, she just feels so. 

What makes her sad is the fact that she'd rather eating alone in a lovely cafe than a call to invite her friends. And the fact that there is no one that seems right to call to. Then she begins to wonder, where have her best people gone? Who has she been meeting all this time? Well eating alone doesn't seem as bad as what she has thought, though. In fact she'd do it again sometimes. The only problem is, she feels bad because she'd rather not eating with anyone this time. As if she doesn't have any nice people around her to share a table and a chat with. Yes, that's probably the problem. 

Not long after her last thought, her order comes. Then she starts eating without thinking even a bit any more. Before her last bite of the meal, she finally realizes something..the answer. Then she's never felt more alone...in that moment of truth.