a dollar for every smile

Today I will share a story about my struggle in the past.
When I was 15, one private tuition teacher I hold dear most once told me that a relationship is not worth the fight, if it sacrifices the trust of whose I needed to be able to survive life. I think just like how in economics is explained, the opportunity costs of an action is large...firms or in this case I, need to prioritize. She taught me that the feeling of affection, desire that we feel strongly at one moment, could end in the short run..therefore the permanent lose of trust is not worth the temporary passion. She even brought with her some real-life examples to prove her point. And in the end, despite her influence and persuasion, I neglected her advice. Rebellion was my probably middle name (who knows if it still is) or at that time it was just me trying to take risks in my life.. high, uncountable ones.

"The reason so many people find it so hard to be happy, is that they will always see:

The past better than it was;

The present worse than it is;

and the future less resolved than it will be. " 

-anonymous.

As I am sitting and typing this post in my dining table now, looking back to that day, if I am to say I didn't wish things were different, I lie. However, the only moment I am capable of controlling, is not ones back in the days but here in the present. If I were to live in deep regrets, some time in my life would have been wasted...unrepeatable moments, chances of something better would have been missed.. don't you agree? Therefore this logic is what have been keeping me going, surviving to this day.

Do you know the scary thing of having passed through an event in life that has played me emotionally...? Is that I no longer play in the game with as high bet as I did once before. Taking into accounts the potential damages that could reiterate, let alone the loss that could not be repaid.

Today, I stand back from the battlefield. I give ground.

Ever since the day it all ended, I swore I would be more open. To other chances, other opportunities that were knocking on my door but I missed out...and to seek the ones that are worth the pursue.

I personally say I have now travelled far...meeting wonderful people along the way, encountered remarkable stories of my kind. My mind and eyes are more opened..each day I become the wisest I could ever be.

So one question, if I could tell my previous self what to do, what would it be?

Lucky is I have gone through that essential phase in life. My advice won't be to my old self, but to my now self, is that to do what I have been doing: to be in the battlefield only if I think the sacrifices will be worth it, to pursue only if the circumstances. And how would I know that? When the moment comes, I believe I just know. At least I hope so.

New Zealand 2012

signing off,
thelittleteh x

Everything has changed,

It's over. Finals is finally over. Can you believe that? Maybe you can, but I can't, yet.
Ran a movie marathon to spend this evening. I need some refreshment, some reality to kick me hard, this time to prove I'm not dreaming.
It's quite hard to believe it's finally happening.. one-third-of-a-year long of holidays. Do I really deserve this? I really hope so.

The last ten days have been my toughest edu life. In fact, I think the whole semester. I'm sure if you've been following my blog you'll know how frequently I've complained about uni life. Last ten days, though, were the hell-iest. You know that time when you were determined that giving up was not on the list, but there's merely a thin line that's separating you from it? There goes the worst moments. Like how I wish I could fast forward time, into like the one I am in now. Imagining myself writing this entry, elaborating into words how I exactly felt. It was sick.

I was warned, like I've always been, how the next stage of education life I was about to face is going to get more ugly. My sisters definitely knew it best. The start of my overseas education was remarkable though. The moment when I finally managed to tick that dream achievement off my list. Also, when I made some good friends along the journey that stay until today. However my life seems to take a turn with its new Audi and drove me somewhere- which now I recall- the infinity path. The name shall define it well.

They say during your toughest times you come to appreciate the happy ones. I don't know what will happen just yet, but I've decided to learn to make full use of each day that will be passing, for the rest of the holidays. The year 2012 is approaching an end too. Which means I'm going to survive another one, this time I can say hardly.

Closing off this blog post with the song from the adorable singer- yes imma Swiftie ;)

Come back to life

My first semester attending University is nearing an end. Time is crazy fast when you are having fun and stuffs to do all the time. One down, another to go.. another down, other to go.. the list is never empty.

I have just enrolled the courses for next semester. All thanks to my Indo peers who have started discussing the timetable of the same course we all are taking: Macroeconomics 1. So basically we want to be enrolled in the same tutorial, so we could meet more often. Each one of us is now taking own direction..some are considering to take similar majors, others like me, are partially on my own.

Life is getting more interesting since uni started. Looking back, all the issues in both social and education life still intrigue me today. I may have improved my learning style in Foundation Studies months ago, but in Uni I come back to where I used to be.. the slacking, complaining, lack-of-motivation learning style. It takes me one semester to come to realisation how University is teaching the students.. how I should be learning. My sister keeps telling me " It's no longer foundation " whenever I complain of the lack of care my tutors have for their students. The reality just slapped me hard.. and I am still NOT in consciousness.

I hate the fact that I have been in lack of motivation these past couple of months. Each day that has passed I remind myself to spend time productively, yet I still prioritise anything else but my studies.. and the cycle is repeating. It aches me how I have failed to bring back my hibernating curiosity and the time that has been wasted for nothing.

However, I hope I learn through all these. There's nothing more valuable than the lessons coming after awful experience. I am crossing my fingers for a better day tomorrow. For the realisation of the beauty of working hard, for having motivations and goals, for the happy productive me. xxx

Heh lo

Updating to wash away the negative 'aura' of my blog due to the complain posts recently.
Life's treating me good recently, and I thank everyone who makes effort to colour my day :) I guess talking (either face2face or chatting) or meeting with people can easily brighten up my day! Yes those 'trivial' things others may regard is a 'big' thing to me :D

Soon I will have my dad within arms reach and I can't be more glad! The only thing is...... assignment, duing in 4 days which is NO GOOD. Pleaseeeeeee remind me not to laze around too much anymore coz I am seriously running out of time, with a chance of not completing the task with my best :S

Had so much going on this lovely yet hectic week I hope I can post the pictures in the next post!

PS. I am in the Rooftop Prince and Step Up 4 fever.... Han Ji Min unnie <3 p="p">




TTFN! ( Ta-Ta-For-Now)

When life gives me a dice without a game,

I hate the fact that....

• when my days get too dull, boring, I can do little to change it.
• 
  
• sometimes my brain spins a million just do take some action. to do it, or not?
• 
  
• uni life has not been exciting, since the first day. I need some good changes please.
• 
  
• I haven't been that 'clear' type of person who knows exactly what she wants.
• 
  
• when things go wrong, I dunno what to do.
• 
  
• I don't have that close friend I can share my day with here. The one with no strings attached.
• 
  
• I have so many crazy ideas on my head I'd like to try on, but can't find the right person to try with.
• 
  
• the day when I have to finally depend on my own is coming soon :/
• 
  
• when my sisters come home bad mood.
• 
  
• I am often confused between what I wanna do, and what should be done.
• 
  
• I have to do, learn, act,all by myself . AND I am judged. 
• 
  
• I am sooooo lazy at times I can't bear but don't have the will to change it :C
• 
  
• I cannot spare some me-time in the morning.
• 
  
• life isn't as fun as it used to be. PERIOD.

The fact I hate most is I feel so helpless I can't change those things above. 

Written in the sand

I'm finally back. After eight and a half months living a slightly different life 4000 miles away. Excited? Don't even know.

It feels as though the city hasn't changed. Like I've just been back from a vacation and not leaving for more than a month. The routine, the custom, the crowd are exactly as what I pictured in mind. Or at least those are what I found til now.

Talking about my life in sydney, foundation year is finally over.  A close friend of mine who came from Hong Kong, decided to pursue her studies in another city but Sydney. So we (read: the Indos) had to say our goodbyes and spent the last few days as if we're never gonna meet again. At least that's what I kept in mind. Funny how sometimes we could only cherish the moment when we know they might never come again. She's been a very lovely and caring girl all this time. Everything would be more awkwardly quiet without her from now on haha I really hope she could find the place that suits her and finally settle down. Another ending, yet another beginning. Uni life is about to start in a month's time. They say it's scary and hard and no-kidding. Foundation year is already pushing me off my limits and I wonder how uni will do me. Finals last week was killing me I swear. I literally worked my ass off the first 3 monstah subjects: econs, legal, maths. That was probably the hardest I've ever worked for an exam. I tried my best though, and still crossing fingers for the results x

Right now, in my hometown, I wish things would fall into place. I would catch up with friends, meet up with teachers, eat, spend, play, have fun all the time! ;) I really don't wish to encounter any stupid feeling I brought whilst leaving hometown last year. That's my wish for this holidays. xoxo

Was

The fact that I'm quite over it already sometimes surprises myself.

This morning felt like a long morning. For a while some pieces I've left behind came again as if asking me to spare some room for them in my current life. All I asked was to let me move on with my life, why does it seem to be too much?

I believe things ended for a reason. And for me, that is to let me have another new beginning. Since I came here, I have decided to open myself to new opportunities, new possibilities, new friends, new experience, something different from my past. I don't deny the fact that the past is when I once felt the happiest I could ever be. It's just to now, those are the PAST. It is a beautiful place to visit, but I don't hope to stay there anymore, let alone re-live it. It may be easier for me since I've actually lived 4000 miles apart from the places and people that may remind me of the past. But it's not a reason for you to not let go.

Wrong perception it is, if it's saying I've moved on from the life in my hometown. I still talk to my close friends there, I still have my favorite food there, and occasionally, I miss the atmosphere. I simply decided to let go of the things which used to fill a huge part of my life. To no longer take heed of the things which used to affect me so much. To close my heart for the old things, and open for other new ones. In short, to m o v e o n.

I hope this is enough to clarify all the thoughts wondered. Never do I intend to hurt anyone who was important to me. What I'm doing is just letting life flows. I have no idea what the future is going to be, thus I can only do my best for now.

Cheers,

My gratitude

Heyyyylo. It's been a while, again. TOOOO many surprising special things have happened these 2 weeks :D

Shall we start from My birthday surprises? ;)
Three days before me turning eighteen, hestya visited me from Melbie! What a nice surprise caused apparently she came one day earlier than the date she told me. Was shocked yet delighted to finally being able to catch up with her. Went for a city tour guided by me and Ian for those 5 amazing days... <3

Anyways on the midnight of 27th Feb, sisters prepared a sweet little surprise + with the help of titi :3

Look at all those balloooooons and the 'Happy Birthday' sign! Was spoiled being the little girl in the family :;)


Next surprise came from Indo friends here... beloved foundi peers ;)

 They actually baked the cake themselves, and wrote those drawings on the cake. I'm being honest here, the cake tastes soooooo good! The inside is so dense and sweet and I could feel their love HEHE <3 They also folded a bouquet of flowers from thick papers ( Don't know what it's called) and put it in an empty cup of my favorite bubble tea drink ;) Inside the straws their wishes I swear they were so sweet hahaha

Went to school for 3 hours afterwards and wished a girl which has the same birthday as mine, a happy birthday! Her name is Monique, she's from Hk and she's 20th now! :)

Mind my flappy arms :X

Skipped classes for the first time to accompany titi roaming around the city for half of the day.. Went home to get ready for dinner with sisters and closed the day with surprises from VOC and #7wonders :;)

 

Was a spoiled princess that day! <33333333

Lengthy post it is, but I couldn't thank God enough for bringing all those amazing people into my life and never walk out til this second. They played a massive role in shaping me into who I am today.. So THANK YOU guys.. My life feels half complete ;)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxxo






'

Truth lies beneath the skin

Hiiii I'm in the midst of exam week. Tomorrow is Australia Day therefore is a public holiday. One last subject to go, the Legal monster. Have been group studying every single day with 'Indo kerenz' ( lol ) in Unilodge. Each day is a memorable one as I do not only earn knowledge of school subjects but also enrich my knowledge of social life. Particularly about PEOPLE.

Humans are so unique. Each one has distinct personality that when I get to know more, I'm often surprised myself.
I feel blessed meeting wonderful people during my studies here. From whom I can learn to live life more fully. Experience, their stories, and personalities results in me evaluating myself. And I often find I've never been good enough. Even though I used to think I have been.

I am looking forward to more days months years or even lifetime with them. I may not expect, but I hope. Because having genuine friends is one of the best things about life.... :')

disentangling thoughts

Hello. This is gonna be a random post.
I've been listening to Christina perri's songs lately: Jar of Hearts and A thousand Years. Jar of Hearts reminded me of that time in my life, when the exact situation in the song, happened to me. But instead of a refusal, I gave a yes in response. A second chance.

I was grateful, during the journey, that I believed in second chances. The process was beautiful, every day was a fairy tale, only 'happily ever after' was not yet achieved. It's like the 'A thousand Years'. Until I was willing to give a LDR a try. But I failed, before the song even ends.


I am hoping there is gonna be a third song. I wanna know, I am curious about the
truth: Is this the end already? No I am not wishing for a next episode, I just want certainty. I hate having false hopes, like I have just had. Cause in the end, the truth always left me speechless.

I don't know what's wrong in me. Or is it really me?
I hate the fact that I feel into the deep hole with someone, but in the end I have to climb out of it myself. I'm not regretting though, cause I know I'll learn from it.

I am not in a state of confusion, nor in the brink of doubts. Sometimes I just need to describe my thoughts into words. No answer needed, no replies necessary. Only now, my thoughts have come crystal clearer. This post has helped me through understanding.

End of story.

Anugerah ( Blessing )

Mother's Day

Current reading:

Hi again! How has the new year treated you so far? I'm back to foundation, alrd. Exam is just around the corner but I can't stop slacking every single day by... watching Running Man. I'm seriously like taking drugs, only I never feel overdose.

It's good to be back to school. I have things to make me busy, meeting friends, getting rid of loneliness. Recently I've read tweets from my following which is about #galauproduktif. Basically it's tlaking about those productive things or ideas created during our 'mixed-up' period. Apparently quite a number of tweeps have shared their experience, and I was quite surprised. Majority of them admitted to write short stories during that period and ended up being published in magazine or even received an award! WOW. @MencobaBelajar also tweeted that the energy released during that 'mind hubbub' period is surprisingly significant and therefore is better to be used efficiently. Ever since knowing that I think I'd give it a try next time that state of mind appears again. By dancing or doodling maybe? Well who knows my art talent which is hiding decides to appear. LOL

Beyond limits

Hi. Foundi life's treatin me very goooood.
After presenting the three hellish subjects in a week, I feel much much much relieved.
I did pretty well, if I am to give myself a comment. At least, I did my best.

English was a total satisfaction. A star man! Like for real?! Well I did not achieve it easily. Hard work and effort for 4 or 5 whole days, racking my brain for the most sensible summary of the article.
Econs was great. Presenting with a cooperative partner from Medan! A as a result, 'cause the teacher has never given more than that. He thinks A is the highest score. So yeah .... :)

Legal was...... disaster, at first. Can you imagine when you only have 4 days left before the D-day, and you only accept prefect result, yet you have not started at all?! I was freaaaaaaaaaaking out. Realizing I had that small amount of time to work on it simply freaked me out. I tried to understand the question first, then thought of how to start. The reference material was half a lecture note and some others from Supplementary Materials. I simply couldn't calm myself down. I thought I had too much work from the other two presentations and I was so tired when it came to Legal's. I panicked, I cried hysterically. Thinking how it was so hard for me to cope to the stressful foundation life. I had almost given up. Until I reminded myself the reason I came here. I've come this far and there's no way back. With the help of my eldest sister and my friend, I managed to eventually work it out.
A minus was a suitable result, I think. The teacher has never given A to anyone yet, so far. He said mine was a little bit less to get an A. Can't be happier.


Overall, through the presentations, I've learned to reach beyond my limits. Who knows this little young lady who has never done a solo presentation can achieve this satisfying result with 3 consecutive presentations in a week? Well done, little young lady! ;)

Patience is (NOT) virtue

Dear diary,
I miss home too much. Feels like everyone is going back home for holidays and spend 2 or 3 months for it.

While in my case... I have to wait til next June, at least.
Some of my classmates are not even away from hometown for half a year, yet going to spend 2 months (at the most) in Medan from this December? UNFAIR.
Yeah of course I've had 5 months of holidays before coming here BUT I was almost getting sick of it back then but I desperately need it for next month!
Of course I'm gonna have holidays this December, for two weeks.
Since coming here, I need to struggle for 9 months first before I can go back for 1 month at the most(!) next June. How UNFAIR is that?!


What's more unfair is most of my indo peers here are going back to their hometown as well! *envytothemax* One last thing is that there will be VOC reunion in the coming JANUARY!

OK SHOOT ME NOW.

Undercover

Dear diary,
Today I realized in life I can't always meet people who are doing right things. Sometimes others just want to cross out from their comfort zone, have a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Although I doubt it only happens once.

Today I also found out feelings are not to be played with. Sometimes, just sometimes, I try to make myself fall in love when in fact I know it's not right. If you force yourself to fall, it's not love, is it?
Somehow I just hope I am the master of my feeling so I can command it. Not another way round.


I really wish right now there isn't anything bothering me with my studies. 'cos I've traveled this far, made life-changing decisions, not for nothing. FOCUS and PROCRASTINATION has always been my biggest enemies. Sigh I know if I keep on pushing myself, a part of me is just way too rebellion to listen. But...this is what I hope. Motivation is all I need. Fingers crossed x


PS, Just realized I've written 190 posts so far and had 19 followers!

dear diary,

I'm so stressed out. November is a seriously busy month. I've got 3 presentations, all in one week. Need to do research and group work for a report on the topic: magazine advertising. Endless maths exercises. Blankness in economics..and legal..and maths sometimes. Damn what did I learn in maths back then how can I forget everything?!


Seriously I have a hard time organizing my life timetable. When to study, when to relax, when to shop. And my brain power a.k.a super short-term memory isn't helping at all! Duh please gimme strength to cope with everything, Buddha. I pray to You. Sadhu3x

Different zone

Today was fun.

Introducing... foundi friends!

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