It's now, and never.

I'm elated that I've finally done the IELTS. I feel extremely..relieved :) Now the hard work I've done, is surely gonna be paid off in two weeks. It has to. After the result has released, and I'm declared to have passed the standard I need- or if I did well, manage to reach my target ♥ (sadhu3x) - I'm then one step closer to my future plan :b

To plan about what I am going to be in the future is both confusing and exciting, I guess. there comes those amazing fantasies, zeal for the future, overwhelming you. The never-ending options we get to choose, yet not sure which one is the real one we are destined to do, or the one we are willing to work hard for in the future. What does the future really have in store for me? I guess I'm the only one to be able to figure it out.

So tomorrow, 21st November 2010, me and more than half of my classmates are going to the orphanage. :) This is the first time for most of us, including myself. I'm looking forward to it..I'll be sure to blog about it tomorrow : )

Anyways, talking about the major (yes, again!) I think I really should make up my mind sooooon as there's not much time left. See, high school is going to end in...half a year? Gosh every time that thought crosses my mind, I will reminisce about how when I was just in the elementary school, the end of school years still felt so far..and how I wanted to end school soon. : /

Okay, guess I shall stop worrying about all those things for just tonight..and maybe tomorrow, and start worrying again when Monday comes. Gah, Monday is always not my favourite day of the whole week .__.

PS, Now I know, now I shall be sure.. There's nothing more to be expected. :)
Miss you Grannie, our family's guardian angel ♥ I know you can listen to me every night I pray to you :')

contemplating..always

In a few days, I am going to sit for an important test as the first step of applying a university in Sydney. Yes, it's IELTS. I'm verrrrrrrryyy nervous, but there are more things to think about right now so I can barely mind that feeling. Sure it's going to be okay, everybody else often tells me. I have to be confident enough for this test, to manage to reach my target. Gosh, just to think about the D-day now makes me nervous already, UGH :/

Talking about university, I'm still contemplating much about it. I am going to Sydney, but not sure what to take as major..or which university to apply. This uncertainty has been filling my mind for weeks now, even months! It's always very frustrating when I come to talk about it..what I picture myself doing in the future. So basically I have interest in anything artsy, and to major in business is still a consideration. The thing about art is, I CANNOT DRAW..yeah, that's the main problem. All this time I only imagine mix and matching clothes, colors. When it's photography, I can barely imagine, I just..shoot. See now, I'm very lack of talent in art and design. SIGH how I wish, how I wish :\

Today's highlight would be I managed to attend Sunday Class at the temple today, after, like, a month :)
I feel blessed..I really did. I should make it a custom now..there will be no excuse like not being able to wake up early, I'll definitely work on it! May you have a great start of the week tomorrow, readers!


love,
W

Past.Me.Future

All this time, I've been keeping this to myself and my closest ones only. Now, I come to admit a bittersweet truth. For the countless times, on the same source, I admit, my heart's broken. Sad to say, it's always bcs of that same guy I've put faith in since years ago.

I've promised not to talk abt it anymore ever since the decision was made. I've known that there'll come this day, it's just sooner than what I thought. I've known once I let myself go..you'll be in someone else's arm. I thought I had prepared for it, just like the previous time.

Unfortunately, I'm still in the process of the whole thing. And you're (always) far ahead already. This kind of thing is very new to me..I know it takes time, and I can deal with it. :)

The risks of the choice I made, they're definitely coming to me now..one by one. I'm collecting my strength at this kind of time, to push away all the unwillingness, doubts..source of my unhappiness. I'm learning to let happiness from other sources come overwhelming me ever single day. I'm trying to live each day to the fullest. They say this is what being alive is about, and it's true. My days may not be at their best nowadays, but simply feeling alive is the best thing already to me. :)

Dear Buddha, this time I'm not hoping much. I simply ask for Your guidance, through darkness and sorrow, agony or happiness. Let this be my lessons on life. Let me learn as much as I can. Let me suffer before I'm at cloud nine. Above all, let me appreciate life. sadhu3x


love,
W

Praticality

I am thrilled to know that my phone can actually connect to blogger. This means, it will be less time-consuming now as I don't need to turn on my laptop every day to merely a purpose of writing a post about my day :) I always love the idea how gadgets can connect people more easily, or in this case, help to do what I love on a daily basis :p
although so, I don't think I'll often blog from my phone since its keypad is not qwerty and I literally have to type many times to form a single word ._. At this time, i would fancy a qwerty phone as it would definitely save much of my energy.

So, how's life, everybody? Mine is rather fine. Have got many important things to accomplish in short time that will determine my future life. While at the moment I'm living life to the fullest. Hope you guys are doing fine as well in whatever you are doing.. :)

Longing

Life is different without grandma around. There are rarely busyness, shouts, laughter to enliven the house. A lot of things have changed ever since as well, including myself.

I've recently made a huge decision. It ain't easy, in fact one of the hardest I've ever made. But then, to think of the reasons behind it, of how much courage I've earned to make it happen.. I hope it'll be worth it. There is nothing I ask more for now than to live in the present, and aim for the future. Let the past be the guidance through the ways, as they should be. I wish you can see how in the process of growing up your little granddaughter is in now, Grannie. I know you'll tell me to do the same thing I do now.. I know I've been keeping this for too long. Still, I need to feel you support me grandma, is there any way?

Since today, I'll grow more. Since today, I'll be stronger. Since today, I'll be the best I can be.

l o v e,
W

My forever and always, guardian angel.

Problems, incidents have come rushing since the last few months. Life-changing perceptions, views, motivations aren't easy to handle with when there aren't the loved ones to hold on to. True it is, family and friends are right within my arms length whenever I'm in trouble, or not.

Little did I know..little did everybody know, our family would come to grief and lost a family member, physically. Two months ago, exactly two months ago..was the last night I got to spend with my Grandma. Her soul had left this world the next morning..it's her body that remained still, lifeless. It was the first time ever.. EVER.. I prayed I was not in reality..that I was just in somewhere else, in my sleep. I couldn't believe this would finally happen..I would lose someone I love most, a family member, forever.

The person who was and still is hurt most, who couldn't help regretting and ignoring the reality up til now, will be my dearest father. He was not around during the last time of grandma's life, he was out of town for a few days. Never in my life I had seen my Dad in such sorrow.. feeling such agony. My dad was very, very, strong. Many times he pretended to remain calm, tried to move on, yet everybody knew, deep inside he was screaming out loud..hoping if by any chance, any chance he could at least say goodbye, he would exchange it to anything.

The following days were blurry..I couldn't recall much the happenings, the atmosphere that overwhelmed the whole family members, relatives, and friends. None of them believed my Grandma had passed away.. n o n e of them. She was clearly in the pink of health, with ability to shout, walk slowly, or even cook by herself. She wasn't showing any sign of sicknesses, or was in one, when she left. But then again, I'm grateful she left definitely in peace, considering how many times she had been hospitalized the past few months during the last time of her life.


The ritual of 49 days have passed.. yet each thing happened on that day remains fresh in my mind. Grandma had been such an angel during the time of her life..and I believe she is too, now. Thank you was never enough to express my gratitude, to have a wonderful, loving and caring person as you, Grandma, to have never stopped taking care of me any second of your life, to always have you as my guardian angel.


You may have physically gone for good, Grandma. But you will never truly leave me, or any of us, ever.
You will always be with us Grannie, a l w a y s ♥