Still figuring it out.

Hello there!

How have you blogwalkers been doing?

Today I've decided to share the reasons behind blogging, and most of the random gloominess, rants....since I decide to take blogging more seriously :)

They say if you don't know who the writer is, you may not be bothered to read. And I'd like to be my honest self when writing..so I'm going to start by introducing the writer who's responsible for all the contents in this blog...me!

My name is Winny Teh - if you haven't already known. I'm currently pursuing my tertiary education in one of the best cities to live in (according to me) - Sydney, Australia. My first language is not English, but I'm very keen to learn to improve..so please bear with me :p

In terms of attitudes, I'm as stiff as my physical self. I take things very seriously sometimes hehehe.
I think I'm almost always either thinking or daydreaming! Before writing, I have been thinking how to write this post for quite some time :p

I tend to keep things to myself, but I've decided to loosen up a little since I realise I may be missing out a lot in life- particularly teenage life! :)

I think it has been my lifelong desire to not think about the reactions, responses I may get from doing this or that.. about what I expect others to do, and what they expect from me. Uhm to put it simple, I hope to be a more honest to myself, and to live the present to the most; carpe diem!

Next thing I'd like to share is what I'm always struggling with: being a part of the society. Although I'm very interested, I don't know what people think about me. I never do. Have people been keeping it to themselves, or am I the one being too insensitive to not realise anything? hehehe 

Maybe this explains my uncertain behaviour towards other people.. or why I almost always don't know what to do, what to focus on. 

My random and depressing blog posts are usually due to my outburst since I was not able to directly tell the target reader about what I really want to say.. or simply because I am dissatisfied about certain things and I really feel about saying it, but don't feel like talking to anyone. I feel sorry for those who happened to read my rants during those periods :S

At the moment, the reason that motivates me to blog is to share.. whether they are thoughts, ideas, moments, inspirations, or simply random happenings. I am inspired by many wonderful bloggers out there through their thoughts and writings. I'd like to do something with my blog too! :)

When I am asked about my dreams, what I want to become.. I don't know what to answer. It's not like I don't think about the future, I think it's more like I am not sure. Sometimes I think I'm as lost as Alice-when she first entered the wonderland- when it comes to answering those kinds of questions :b

I think that someday..maybe I'll know the answers to the hundreds of questions I have. Maybe I'll grow wiser and realise about more things. Or maybe I'll live life differently from the way I do now.

But right now, despite things I've come to understand about life, I'm still figuring it out. 

Much love, 

littleteh x

lost and lonely

Thoughts lately:

• I get so bored easily, lately. I couldn't enjoy what I thought used to be fun and instead doing boring things like watching dramas and stuck at home on weekends. This is so confusing. This happened ever since I came back here after holidays I think. I feel lifeless. *dang*

• I am not a fighter. anymore. I used to be much willing to fight for what I love, for people for things for goals. I've lacked the spirit now. Mostly the reason is I don't have much to fight for nowadays. No particular loved ones, no particular things or goals. I feel lifeless. :<

• After I find a reason that lifts up my mood or gets me excited again, I tend to be too dependent and scared, unprepared.. and in the end I get bored or lose it again. What's wrong with me these days?

• I become less and less grateful. This is not happening to me oh God. I need some refreshments for the soul, please I shall attend Sunday Puja this week _/\_

• Something nice! I met with a high school friend today and realised many things. One of them is to be just me, as in not trying too hard. I've lost track on this lately. I feel pressure from those I always cherish, no longer find a comfort zone in a friendship. I hate to say this but I begin to think I have been overexcited myself for the last 10 months. All the excitement is decreasing dramatically in a flash after some incidents. I hate to think so but many evidence seem to direct me there. Oh God, what should I do?

• Three weeks in uni and assessment, assignment are already waiting in line for me. In class test, quizesssss. Fingers crossed I will survive for another 3 years in sydney!! xxxxxx

Something nice to smile about after the rants

Verrrrry nice Java Chip TomNcinno 

with my lost twin (birthdate) hehe

I hope one day I'll find my lost soulsister like these two *fingers crossed*

the breathtaking sydney view

:3

Indecisive

Today's highlights:
• Gloria's birthday! 

• Non-assessable maths test

• Sweared by some lunatic perv just bcs I don't give a damn on his existence. Too bad, jerk 

• Tried Chatime's Blue Mountain Green Tea and not liking it.

• Catering's not as mouth-watering as usual.

• Still find myself in a perplexed state.

A post

Sometimes I wish.. I am not so sensitive. or moody. Not to be easily affected by actions from people I care, when they treat me less right, less kind.
Recently mood swings have been way up and next moment way down. There seems to be lesser and lesser reasons to have a steady mood. Either I'm not quite satisfied with the present, or I'm grateful.

Funny how humans seem to have no control over their own life. Anything could change any time. I hate it, truly. So sick of having to rely on someone else, be it family, or friends, to be the source of my own happiness. If something just goes wrong, the next thing I know I'd be blaming the nature of life again.

One of the reasons I've been blogging less lately is mainly because I don't want to blame or complain or bother to describe what I'm going through lately. To me, a post is a bit like an evaluation. If I happen to be going through hard times, a post could either relieve my burden or make it worse cause I should face the bitter truth. So yeah, let's call this a post.

Treat me right, 2011

Hello again!
Can you believe it's that time of the year already? 2011 will soon come to an end!

How has 2011 treated you? ;)
It has been treating me awesomely good! I'm utterly grateful nothing horrible has happened throughout the year! Can't thank the Buddha enough for the blessings to me and family.


These 345 days I proudly say I have not just grown older, but more mature. Coming here, far away from home is truly an eye-opener. I am able to not cling to the past, instead live in the present, aim for the future.

Some things still need to be fixed, though.
Since I used to live on my own for 4 years, now I have to adapt to living with my sisters.
I didn't know living by my own could change my attitude so much, for real. For those 4 years, I needn't think about the others. I woke up by myself, went home from school by myself, played by myself, ate sometimes by myself, and finally slept by myself. The world revolves around me only.

But it's different now. The world just doesn't revolve around me only anymore.
I woke up with sister by my side. Dinner sometimes with them. Shared stories with them. Slept with a sister.



How does it differ, you ask?
Since I had been living like I am the only child, I became more selfish. It just occurred spontaneously, unexpected. All I had to do was to mind my own business. Buy my own things. Play by my own. But that attitude should not be carried here. Not if I live with my family. True, not?

Apart from that lesson, this year has taught me many many many others. I hope the same goes to you guys too! Have a fabulous closing of the year everyone! Merry early Christmas! Enjoy the festive season of the year :D

If I

I've been abandoning my blog for weeks. It's September...already. I'm creeping inside, nervous and anxiety overwhelm me every time I think about leaving. I've been distracting myself from that thought, and delay packing. It's no good. but I simply wish I could lie to reality... Why am I this scared of leaving hometown for a while? I've been saying the reason is not being able to see my loved ones every time I feel like. Maybe it's true.. But to think about it now, absence makes the heart grows fonder, no? Maybe I just fear they won't miss me so much like I will..or even..forget about me. Being 4286 miles apart from them definitely will feel like in hell at times. Longing for them yet can't reach them. Don't you think so?

But if I ponder a bit longer, I'll return to the starting point. Why am I going to leave? To pursue my studies. I don't know I've ever mentioned this or not, but studying overseas has been my dream for ages. Living 8 hours flight away from my parents, loved ones, and having no helpers like housemaid or driver at all....are the price I have to pay during the time. But I know, on the other side, living this way could make me grow up. At least more mature. It's gonna be worth it..and with the title and degree I'll achieve. I hope studying in Sydney will be an eye-opener as well as me answering the golden opportunity. I shall nail everything. Sadhu3x

Signed,

WinnyTeh.

A beautiful gift in life

Yesterday was Indonesian 66th Independence Day. It was a national holiday but I didn't see any traditional celebrations such as Panjat Pinang, etc in Medan. Well not that I know of. There wasn't any patriotism shown by me like wearing red and white clothes, or batik, none of them. I was upset in the afternoon, hence all my mind focused on it. Funny isn't it, although we've known we shouldn't always have high expectations we just won't care, and keep expecting...and expecting. And in the end, it's us ourselves that get hurt. Such an irony.

I'm lucky to always have someone to stand with me during the bad times, not only the good times. There are times I feel like doing nothing and desperately want to embrace nature. That came to me yesterday afternoon. When there are problems and I could no nothing but going with the flow, I would always go to my best girlfriend. She always knows what to say, how to support me. I could simply utter all my uneasy feelings, regrets, doubts, fears.. and she would listen thoroughly, sometimes offering useful solutions. She's probably the only friend up til now that has the most similar way of thinking to mine. When everyone else would judge me wrong, she'd stand with me and say 'Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart.'

And as always, yesterday she helped me go through my downs. I was slightly hurt, having doubts of what the future might be. But it works like magic, meeting and talking to her. My burden was lifted, all left is optimism. I went home with all the good things in my mind.

Our friendship works two ways, we always support each other. Only when we find faults in another, we'll point them out, discussing the problem and together thinking of a solution. We don't judge, we share.

I love her, like no other. 4 years of friendship..and still counting, K. :') 


With all my heart I hope nothing will ever tear us apart, and we'll always stay this way...for good.♡


xoxo

Signed,

Winny Teh

Happy

I'm happy. Not because bad things have stayed away from me, but more to because I've managed to overcome them. Me and my dad are talking now. No more the 'no hiu' (hokkien) behavior to one another. Problems not particularly solved but I guess Dad's just no longer finding being mad at me for such a long time a good solution. He probably gave up because I made effort to show I'm not a helpless, home girl.

Exactly one more month from today, I'll be heading to my sisters. Going to live with them again after years of not living together under one roof for more than 3 months. I actually quite doubtful with that idea. Don't judge, not because I don't like them (I love them!), but more to I'll need to adjust with their way of living there.First and foremost I'm going to serve myself. Doing the laundry, washing the dishes..no more 'Kak Atik' whenever I want. T----T Secondly no more driver! Wanna go somewhere near? Walk! Somewhere far? Take the bus! Or even worse, there can't be any last-minute wake up because you might not know if you'd miss the bus! hmm..are you saying about taking a cab? It'll cost you a damn fortune, trust me.

Of course the worst part of all is I'll be faaaaaaar away from all my loved ones in Medan. When you miss seeing your parents, curious of what they've been up to, you can only meet them through the flat screen. When you miss your best friends, and boyfriend? Sigh, no solution t___t

But I can't be more wanting to leave Medan than ever. Definitely won't stand another year living here..no education is not the main reason, but I won't stand living the protection my Dad has been providing me all my life. I need something new, something probably out of my league. I'm a little scared, yeah, of going to face the real life..meeting international people out there. But what is life without risks right? I hope I won't get out of line, not being myself, or being too careless after living there. Those are the worst things. Well, fingers always crossed, prayers always said.

PS, I love feedback! ;)

Signed,

Winny Teh

Someday

I know I haven't blogged for almost two weeks. I didn't feel like to. There has been something occupying my mind lately. No it's not about education, or relationship, but more about family..my Dad precisely.

It's kind of saddens me the problem I have with my Dad lately. Moreover I'm leaving in 33 days. Yeah the date is set. But slightly on the other hand, this matter makes me ponder a lot, about me growing up. Of course a problem is not a good thing, but besides trying to solve it on my way, at the moment I'm just trying to take the positive of it. Nothing much as a positive, besides letting me to manage matters myself, and more like a training to get used to living far away from parents. It's positive now, isn't it?

However, deep inside my heart I'm still heartbroken. I've always considered my family's response to my actions. But probably not always do what they say. It is not my desire to be against dad. Although that action of mine said the other way. Sigh Dad is just way too protective to his daughters. Since I'm the only daughter living with him for the past 4 years, the whole protection is for me. Don't know I should be glad or not.

I don't know how many times I've stated this, anywhere, but I'm the adventurous type of person, just so you know. I can never sit still doing a same thing monotonously. (unless it's an entertainment) I like to experience different new things, learn various languages, or musical instruments, basically anything of skills! I want to fall, and get up, and fall again, get up again. But I can only do all those things with the support of my surroundings..my loved ones. If they are not there for me whenever I want them to be, I'll feel this life is not worth living. Mind my depression, but it has ever crossed my mind countless times in this year..ever since I no longer have the only person in this world to love me unconditionally....my Grandma.

On one hand, I'm not fully prepared to leave my hometown, where life must be easier on me, with helpers and parents. But on the other hand, I just can't wait to prove to my parents, and my family, and Grandma, that I, Winny Teh, their loving daughter, sister and granddaughter, is no longer a spoiled, useless, not-worth-to-trust little brat. Yeah 'someday' is coming closer.

“When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were thing like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess.

When we were ten, they asked again and we answered – rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how ’bout this: who the hell knows?!

This isn’t the time to make hard and fast decisions, its time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love – a lot. Major in philosophy ’cause there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent.

So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won’t have to guess. We’ll know.” 

Who Says

\

Today is not a good day. Recent thought: It is probably destined that I study overseas. In fact, it's the only way to prove I'm mature enough to live apart from Mom and Dad. I don't wanna be the 'youngest and never-grow-up' forever.

Signed,

Teh,Winny.

Make Every Second Count

So it's July. It's 22nd. It's one month and plus til the day I'll embark on a new life journey in Sydney. Isn't time ticking way too fast? Or because I'm on holidays and I am too carefree? But it's impossible, yet possible! It feels like last month the time I finished my Final National exam. It feels like last month I just graduated from high  school. So it's supposed to be 4 more months. not bloody ONE!

Time flies, no kidding. I've seen around 10 of my friends gone to further their studies in different cities. Some overseas, some still domestic. Having less and lesser time to live in Medan terrifies me, yet on some occasions, comforts me. Terrifying because I'm gonna leave my bittersweet hometown for (at least) half a year before I could be back here again. My whole life I've never lived a month apart from Medan. Maybe I'm being exaggerating but true it's what I feel. Comforting because I'll be living away from my parents. Actually it's not truly comforting. It's more like, exciting. It's a whole new life experience indeed! Living away from my parents? I think if the reason is not due to better education, my parents would never ever let me live so far away. Well although I'll still be there with my two sisters.

Pretty scary now? Oh and I'm beginning to learn that I won't be able to depend too much on my two sisters. They have their own matters to do, of course. And I've always wanted to be an independent woman. So I can say, it's my chance. I, myself, am not sure how I'm gonna work everything out.But since it's my childhood dream to study in an English-speaking country, I'm pretty sure I'll find a way.

From now, I hope ( no more promises) I'll update this blog as often as I want (yes it depends on my mood!)
It'll be so much fun if by the time I leave my hometown, and I miss it so much I couldn't help, I can re-read my posts and... be overwhelmed with the atmosphere. Right now as I'm typing this, I can feel my almost-teary eyes, so let alone when I'm already there.

Make Every Second Count. As I'm still here, I hope for the next one month I'll do things I've always wanted to do. Carrying no regrets and burdens as I leave. Rather than lazying and doing nothing special every day, I shall (and have to!) move my ass off bed more early in the morning and get back to bed more early at night.
Fingers crossed! xx

PS, I'm worrying a bit too much about LDR lately ;(


Teh, Winny.

I'm a dream

I tried to blog from iPhone last time using BlogWriter or something and guessed what? After typing around 500 words (yes that much! and thumb-typing!) I wanted to check a word on the dictionary application and when I returned to BlogWriter, THEY'RE GONE. 500 words were not saved! Stupid application grrrr. My thumb started feeling numb afterward.. bummer.

Another suck incident happened was last night, when a COCKROACH out of the blue appeared on my sister's bed. I was just about to sleep, I've turned off the light and I saw something moving. My gawd I nearly kissed it -__- I tried to get rid of it but it kept on escaping. Finally I draw lines with that cockroach-and-ants-remover chalk and went to sleep. So today I asked my housemaid to change the bed cover and to search for the cockroach. After searching every corner and place ( every!) in my room, it turned out to be nowhere. Mom and dad said I was probably dreaming last night .__. It's impossible! I even had goosebumps because of the dancing cockroach! OHMY

Lately I've been reaaaaaaaaally busy with SEALNet. I'm going to tell everything about it later. SEALNet is my everyday life now. It's like going to school! haha I have to meet my SEALNet friends literally everyday! Anyway, tomorrow will be our first outreach to Panti Asuhan Pelita Kasih. We're gonna teach them about hygiene and sanitation! I hope they will welcome us :)

I also hope I can blog everyday. At least a post to describe my day.. yeah I shall start doing that! :D

Teh, Winny.

A year ago.. 04/29/10

 

We called ourselves, SSP (Siao Siao Po, :p). A year ago, on 29th April  was the historical day for us. 12 of us to be exact. We kind of had a huge dispute that nearly split us several weeks before this day. Then, on this date, all of us gathered to speak up. We said things we felt disturbing or wrong done by others, only among us. Some muttered their displease, some others played defense. In the end of the day, all of us cried. Funny thing was, we called them tears of happiness. 

So here we are this year, celebrating the memorable day. This time no one cried, and we have one more in the group! It's now 13 of us. Too bad that day not all could join the lunch..

♥

Teh,Winny.

A piece

 

The picture above was taken by Cathy Husada, as you can see ;) It's a nice one so I'd like to share with you all! 

I'm planning to have tuitions on skills in May. Let's just see how my agenda would turn out to be. I'm just not gonna sit down and do nothing at home all 5 months long .. :) 

The Golden Memoire.

One day before Prom; Done at Pieter

Before Pro; Redoing the Hair

The hairstylist :3

And the make-up woman ;)

 Mixed of Mom's and Karvina's Magic :p

That's all I ate. Nothing was left in the buffet  -___-

Some of SSP and VOCers <3

VOC-ers :D

 Imma no good in nail arts

So last night was the Prom Night! Yes the OSIS SMA SUTOMO 1 held a PromNite for us 12 graders and it was such an INCREDIBLE night! :D

Each class had the chance to perform and showed off their talent. Overall the the shows were great albeit there were some technical problems with the microphone, lightning, and some others. Too bad my class didn't get to perform since half of them were having farewell trip in Brastagi. AND YES I wasn't allowed to join!!! Sucks but I didn't want to push dad that time. Prom was once in a lifetime anyway. So CHEERS to every 12 grader of Sutomo 1, everyone rocked that night ! xxx

PS, Congratulations to the Prom King: Edric Subur and Prom Queen: Nathali Christy. :D