Past.Me.Future

All this time, I've been keeping this to myself and my closest ones only. Now, I come to admit a bittersweet truth. For the countless times, on the same source, I admit, my heart's broken. Sad to say, it's always bcs of that same guy I've put faith in since years ago.

I've promised not to talk abt it anymore ever since the decision was made. I've known that there'll come this day, it's just sooner than what I thought. I've known once I let myself go..you'll be in someone else's arm. I thought I had prepared for it, just like the previous time.

Unfortunately, I'm still in the process of the whole thing. And you're (always) far ahead already. This kind of thing is very new to me..I know it takes time, and I can deal with it. :)

The risks of the choice I made, they're definitely coming to me now..one by one. I'm collecting my strength at this kind of time, to push away all the unwillingness, doubts..source of my unhappiness. I'm learning to let happiness from other sources come overwhelming me ever single day. I'm trying to live each day to the fullest. They say this is what being alive is about, and it's true. My days may not be at their best nowadays, but simply feeling alive is the best thing already to me. :)

Dear Buddha, this time I'm not hoping much. I simply ask for Your guidance, through darkness and sorrow, agony or happiness. Let this be my lessons on life. Let me learn as much as I can. Let me suffer before I'm at cloud nine. Above all, let me appreciate life. sadhu3x


love,
W

Praticality

I am thrilled to know that my phone can actually connect to blogger. This means, it will be less time-consuming now as I don't need to turn on my laptop every day to merely a purpose of writing a post about my day :) I always love the idea how gadgets can connect people more easily, or in this case, help to do what I love on a daily basis :p
although so, I don't think I'll often blog from my phone since its keypad is not qwerty and I literally have to type many times to form a single word ._. At this time, i would fancy a qwerty phone as it would definitely save much of my energy.

So, how's life, everybody? Mine is rather fine. Have got many important things to accomplish in short time that will determine my future life. While at the moment I'm living life to the fullest. Hope you guys are doing fine as well in whatever you are doing.. :)

Longing

Life is different without grandma around. There are rarely busyness, shouts, laughter to enliven the house. A lot of things have changed ever since as well, including myself.

I've recently made a huge decision. It ain't easy, in fact one of the hardest I've ever made. But then, to think of the reasons behind it, of how much courage I've earned to make it happen.. I hope it'll be worth it. There is nothing I ask more for now than to live in the present, and aim for the future. Let the past be the guidance through the ways, as they should be. I wish you can see how in the process of growing up your little granddaughter is in now, Grannie. I know you'll tell me to do the same thing I do now.. I know I've been keeping this for too long. Still, I need to feel you support me grandma, is there any way?

Since today, I'll grow more. Since today, I'll be stronger. Since today, I'll be the best I can be.

l o v e,
W

My forever and always, guardian angel.

Problems, incidents have come rushing since the last few months. Life-changing perceptions, views, motivations aren't easy to handle with when there aren't the loved ones to hold on to. True it is, family and friends are right within my arms length whenever I'm in trouble, or not.

Little did I know..little did everybody know, our family would come to grief and lost a family member, physically. Two months ago, exactly two months ago..was the last night I got to spend with my Grandma. Her soul had left this world the next morning..it's her body that remained still, lifeless. It was the first time ever.. EVER.. I prayed I was not in reality..that I was just in somewhere else, in my sleep. I couldn't believe this would finally happen..I would lose someone I love most, a family member, forever.

The person who was and still is hurt most, who couldn't help regretting and ignoring the reality up til now, will be my dearest father. He was not around during the last time of grandma's life, he was out of town for a few days. Never in my life I had seen my Dad in such sorrow.. feeling such agony. My dad was very, very, strong. Many times he pretended to remain calm, tried to move on, yet everybody knew, deep inside he was screaming out loud..hoping if by any chance, any chance he could at least say goodbye, he would exchange it to anything.

The following days were blurry..I couldn't recall much the happenings, the atmosphere that overwhelmed the whole family members, relatives, and friends. None of them believed my Grandma had passed away.. n o n e of them. She was clearly in the pink of health, with ability to shout, walk slowly, or even cook by herself. She wasn't showing any sign of sicknesses, or was in one, when she left. But then again, I'm grateful she left definitely in peace, considering how many times she had been hospitalized the past few months during the last time of her life.


The ritual of 49 days have passed.. yet each thing happened on that day remains fresh in my mind. Grandma had been such an angel during the time of her life..and I believe she is too, now. Thank you was never enough to express my gratitude, to have a wonderful, loving and caring person as you, Grandma, to have never stopped taking care of me any second of your life, to always have you as my guardian angel.


You may have physically gone for good, Grandma. But you will never truly leave me, or any of us, ever.
You will always be with us Grannie, a l w a y s ♥

some things are better left unspoken, no?

Who has the right to control your emotion? Your present feeling? No one, but you.

With regard to the previous post, I have had so much in my mind to think of. For the countless times, my mind and heart are fighting again to find out who's the winner for some moment. Yesterday my heart was the winner, today it still is. Ever since I failed to control over my own heart, I have attempted to support my mind to win this endless match. Sometimes I get sick and tired, and pause for a while. At this moment, my mind wins. But other times my heart would wake up and fight to find its mate. Yearning the times when it was pampered by his. True it is, it takes a short while to fall for love, and may take a lifetime to forget. Well, I don't really like this version of mine when it comes to talk about this particular matter. 'cause I'll become so fragile..so strength-less. But then again, I remind myself, everybody else has ever been in most conditions I felt, and they breezed through them..so why can't I?

Having asking the solution from a friend of mine, I feel like regaining back the strength. I had made myself clear today when I stated out some points that made me feel this way. Surprised as I was, they are not actually worth the pain. Re-reading what I typed to a friend this evening, I feel that all this time I am not in the side I think I am. Returning back to the right path is what I'm struggling right this moment.

Sorry to have been filling you with intangible writings recently. Many times when I feel sentimental I type so much trying to make things clearer but still confuses me anyway haha :p

Oh yes, about (hectic) school life, senior high students at Sutomo 1 (I'm not sure with junior high) will definitely be facing a stressful moment soon (geniuses excluded). First monthly exam of this semester is about to begin in...less than a week. The problem is, from next Monday until Wednesday we will be having holidays! yes it's a problem if I can't concentrate myself, which usually happens on holidays. :\ Gosh I REALLY NEED to do my best this time. Ain't gonna let regrets haunting me after results are out. This time should be reaaaaaaaaaal serious please Winny! For the future, FOR THE FUTURE! :X

A smile is a curved line that sets things straight. (:

Today was a very happy and special day..for me. Not because 5th August was a special day or whatsoever but maybe I shall add this date into my "Memorable Dates List" :)

First, I woke up very early in the morning (early I mean half past six :p) and successfully arrived school long enough before the bell rang. :)
Second, I did nothing special besides doing what I have been doing for the last one week..Maybe this only dearests and I know :)
Third, I spent many lessons not feeling very well because of the sweet dream I had last night. It was utterly sweet which was why it bothered the reality :\
Last but not least, my mood suddenly turned became a (very) ecstatic one because of that tiny..meaningful  thing :) That tiny thing successfully gives me a reason to smile till now and highlighted today! ♥

I honestly am not very aware of what I'm about to do or face. Everything just seems so..wonderful that I wouldn't want to miss a spec of second by having too much thought about it. Well, I know I should actually rethink of what has been happening to me lately. I can finally have the joy of the feeling I've been desperately missing all this time..and I'm back under a magic spell. Sad to say, I can never really feel the same anymore since my mind has taken half of the whole part. Well actually it is a good thing...for me, and my future. So yes, it's not fully sad :)

All I can hope is not to let it take control over me...not anymore. I've learned the lesson, gained the experience. I keep telling myself that every single thing I do now will affect not only my present, but mostly future. Again, all of these will worth it... I will make them do. Blessing, strength, and support..are the ones I need to have more right this moment ♥ :)